The Infinite Sadness

It's been a long week. I've just had so much on my mind lately. I guess with spring comes change, that doesn't necessarily always have to be a good thing. At the end of the day I am essentially a loner. I have many friends and acquaintances, but I have had to look after myself for a long time, and I know in the end, I have to look after myself, nobody is going to do it for me. It is not often I look for advice, and I tend to hold things inside like a volcano close to eruption. When that baby blows, you don't want to be within a mile of me.

I have always been very protective of those around me, and have always wanted nothing but the best for them. Sometimes I think that I am such a lost cause I can live vicariously through their happiness, and I will guard them viciously if required. In other words, sometimes I stick my nose where it doesn't belong. There is a flip side to this as well. For some reason i'm one of those people that others think they have to tell things too, people that if they really knew me, they would know I wouldn't want to hear it. And the words live in me, like some unwanted guest. So basically I get to hear things about people that I care about, that people who care shouldn't really know.

There is this friend of mine, I wish you could know her...sometimes. She has this radiant inner beauty, like the fire of a thousand suns it burns inside her. At times, the grace she displays could spin every head in a room as she enters. Her caring and love that she shows could fill a thousand sails. She has been through a lot of changes lately. She found her birth family, and the joys and wonder that siblings can bring. Her close friends went through changes as well, children, pending marriages, all the things that come gracefully with age. And even though it was unspoken, just as she displays her caring and love you could also now see the longing and wanting of a different life. A lot of the time during these periods of change there are misunderstandings. The people I hang out with mostly socialize out of a bar. It is the heart of our social world and it spreads its arteries through our ranks. When there is change, births, marriage, etc. Those peoples priorities are going to change. Some people would feel left behind, but really they should be seeing that their friend is really embracing them into their new life. These are the building blocks of sharing, love, and friendship. The problem is some people think that it should still be a party, and the fact that their friend only wants to spend time with them solely to be with them, rather than hoisting a few drinks with them, is in fact their friend turning their back on them. There is no reasoning when it comes to drinking.

I hope I didn't lose you there. So my friend, my beautiful friend, took her own path. She decided that the answer was written on the bottom of a bottle of wine somewhere. Longing and wanting is not allowed, it is to be doused in alcohol and burned. It is after all the easy way out. I would get the odd sober conversation, the heart felt one. Watery eyes explaning how much she wants to change everything. I was always there, and always offered to help, as my Great grandfather said, "if you stand alone people can break you, if you stand together, you can never be broken." But typically by the next day she would have already returned to her ways.

She went on a trip about a month ago. I dropped her off and picked her up. We had many open, happy, conversations each way. She was now determined to lay out new groundwork for her life, an epiphany on a cruise. I really thought it was true this time. I had been watching her slowly self destruct the last few months, and was understandably relieved.

I was suckered of course, I always am. Like a thief stealing a dollar out of a blind mans guitar case, she sent all the hopes I had for her to the other side of the tracks. Forever out of reach like the cookie jar my mother used to hide above the fridge. I couldn't watch anymore. Some people say you can't take your eyes off a train wreak, I can.

I wrote her an e-mail. But just like a hand written letter, each letter came out as if my pen was out of ink and scraping across the paper. Every word hurt. And now all that is left is a cloud of dust, where soon there will be an empty lot where once was a friendship. I will miss her so, and i'm sure some will think it was over the top. But even if two years from now she can find that longing and wanting again, it was worth it....and for every second of every day of those two years, I will miss her.