That Magnum P.I. Voice in My Head

Do you have an inner voice? I sure do, I call it that Magnum P.I. voice in my head. Don't get me wrong, I don't go around calling my roommates Higgins or anything like that. It's far more simple, more like a life guide.

I didn't always have it, I guess the mind always absorbs what it's exposed to. As a young boy I had that Buckwheat voice in my head. It was nice because I could ask myself things like "my brothers being really mean to me, should I smash all of his toys?" To which the Buckwheat inner voice would reply "Otay!". Or "Should I feed this liver my mommy gave me to the dog so it looks like I finished it?" "Otay!" It always went my way. But I found as I got older the Buckwheat voice wasn't really looking after my preservation. When it came to "Should I jump into the water off of this railway trestle?" He just said "Otay!" to everything.

When I was 11 we went to some friends of my parents for New Year's Eve. The parents were doing whatever it was parents did at that time. It's funny...now that I think about it they were my age that night. Whatever. The kids gathered in the rec room to watch the boob tube. There was a new show that had started a few weeks earlier that hadn't garnered a lot of viewers, so CBS was giving it another shot by replaying the 2 hour pilot on New Year's Eve. It was a hit that night, and Magnum P.I. was born. The lead had this tendency to make inner soliloquies, analyzing situations, or reflecting memories. Goodbye Buckwheat, hello Magnum.

It was life changing. Instead of getting an "Otay!" response to "Should I jump into the water off of this railway trestle?" I would get "The railway trestle represented all the fears I had in my youth, the steel was as cold and as hard as the memories of my father. While I wanted to jump off the trestle to show off to my friends, I wasn't going to let the trestle win. That would be like letting my father win." Way better than "Otay!", and I'm probably still alive now because of it.

It has guided me through every part of my life, from love, to career. And I think it's done one bang up job. It has got me out of an amazing number of bad situations. Just like the trestle, I probably owe it my life a few times over. Even in social settings it will guide me. Take tonight for example. Say it's 9 0'clock, and I'm at the bar. The server asks me if I would like another. I stare at the glass for a moment, and get that smile at the corner of my mouth, the twinkle in my eyes. This is the next level, these are the moments when you check baggage and get your ya ya's out. But then the voice kicks in. "That blond across from you? She's going to hit the floor any moment. That buddy of yours sitting beside you, you haven't understood a word he has said in two hours. The guy sitting across from him that won't shut up, his words are eating at your brain like a termite on wood. Ohh, and look who just walked in the door. Pull the chute Johnny, pull it!!"

And that's it, I leave. Common sense prevails. The voice always wins. And I always wake up in the morning feeling better for it. So support your inner voice, feed it, let it speak. It's got your back, and these days we need all the help we can get.

A Letter to Myself

Dear John,

The time is now fast approaching. While you have spent the year trying to slow time itself, the end of your 40th year has been pressing forward like a runaway train across the frozen tundra. It will arrive in the station in two months whether you are there to greet it or not.

The train will not leave the station again. It will sit by the dark foggy platform and slowly purge the steam of all that has pressured inside its boiler as it has journeyed these past four decades. That route will be done. A new train will leave the station on a much different track. A train re engineered from the lessons of the old. The faults, mistakes, and shortcomings have been removed by learning from what broke down on the old one. While the body of the old train is scarred and marked by the happenings of the past, the new train has a shine of new promise. A shine as bright as a clear sunrise on fresh mountain snow. And a new journey will begin.

You have learned your lessons, and you will forge a new path. No matter how you've longed for the halcyon days of your youth, you know they are gone. You can't wade waist deep in the mustard fields full of wonder on a breezy summer day. You know the answers now, the breeze whispered them to you all those years ago. You will learn that about aging, the impatience of your youth is gone, but you must open your eyes again. You have allowed your eyes to narrow and harden from all you have seen, you can be wide eyed again, by appreciating what is around you instead of trying to learn a lesson from it. The world is full of wonder, and the sooner you realize that, the quicker the breeze will whisper to you once again.

You have long been an island of a person. There isn't a single person that has known you your entire life. You don't know when it was, maybe it was something that the wind told you many years ago, but you have closed yourself off to others. You have held your cards so close to your chest it has become some type of armour, and that too must change. You must learn to trust. Yes, people can be mean, people can have their agendas, but they aren't all out to get you. You have turned your back on as many people that were trying to help you as were trying to hurt you. You have never cared for money or possessions, the only thing they can steal is your heart, a heart that has been broken for so long. Let them in, give them a chance. Beyond no doubt you have nothing to lose.

You have drowned your beliefs for so many people, moving through life like a chameleon. You had to move often as a boy, and always had to find new friends at what seemed like the wrong time. Life can be cruel that way. But those days are also gone. You have been discarded so many times, and it wasn't the fact of the matter that ever bothered you, but rather the casual nature of your removal from an others life. You will never forget family saying goodbye to you, not face to face but through the speaker of a door security intercom. So abrupt, so inner shattering. So many years walking your path wondering why, only to find the answer in a hushed whisper from a death bed. The answer being so simple, so impossibly simple, it left you walking around in a daze for a week. You know who you are know, stay true to yourself. Don't go changing your colours for anyone.

There was a time many years ago, you were in a meadow just below the Great Divide in the Rockies. It was a crisp autumn morning, and the sky seemed to reach forever. There was a mountain in the distance, awash in the green of mountain pines. Almost directly in the middle of up and down and left and right, there was a small speck of yellow and orange. It was a few miles away, but your curiosity got the best of you and you started hiking off in that direction. The meadow was alive that day. A flock of Bighorn drank from the waters, eagles soared overhead, and many deer and elk crossed your path as you made for the treeline. It wasn't easy once you moved into the pines, the undergrowth was such that you knew no one had been through here in some time if ever. You had to essentially keep a straight line or you would never find the pot of gold that you sought. You finally came to a small clearing, a clearing that had forced the pines to stand at bay to the mighty branches of an oak tree. You knew that oak trees did not belong in the Rockies, but here it was. At least 80 years old judging by its size. It was fully ablaze in its autumn glory, and it stood there alone. It was the true individual, and it was beautiful. You are like that tree now. Even though you have weathered the storms, you have also bathed in the sun. You have reached your arms to the sky, and you have found your spot in this world. Let them come see you now. You are strong and will not be broken. Continue to grow, reach forever like the sky's of that day.

The train leaves in two months, get on board and enjoy the ride. You never know what is just around the next corner.

Best Wishes,

Johnny

All Work and No Play Make Jack a Dull Boy

What a dog of a weekend. For the most part I've felt like acting like this little guy and rolling over and playing dead. I do like how he has his paws at his side. Very original...I hope he's not really dead.

We have been buried in fog for days, it finally lifted at my house yesterday afternoon. It didn't matter, I was already in the eye of a category 5 funk. I know everyone has them. The highs and lows. It wasn't really a depression low, just a crapped out, nothing is going to go right, pull down the shades, and stay in bed kinda low. You know, go sell bored somewhere else, we're all stocked up around here.

And now it's already Sunday. The bell is poised to ring to signal the end of recess. It's already too late to turn this ship around. The Great Boring Reef lies dead ahead. I almost fear Sunday's like this because I get all hell bent determined to squeeze an entire weekend out of a Sunday night. There is a late football/hockey game, and that can lead to trouble, but I guess I'm just going to have to sit here on the bench and wait to see if the coach calls me out to join the fun.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

So you have probably all assumed that one of my New Year's resolutions was to give up writing. Quite the contrary, I've had many blog ideas and just not enough time. After releasing the "Go to Hell List" I was also having nightmares of Sarah Palin tracking me down with a high powered rifle from a helicopter. My paranoia soon led to an extreme and I soon found myself in Abbotsford disguised as a pregnant 16 year old girl. Knowing that this is one of the only things Sarah supports, it put me at ease for the last week and a half. As a side benefit, I got to walk around in public with a can of Budweiser, and a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, and seemed to get away with talking like a drunken sailor. I think it was a good look for me.

As for the list itself, it seems like everything is already shaping up.

President-elect Obama who until this point had remained essentially silent of the Bin Laden issue put forth a statement yesterday that he plans to capture of kill him in the near future. And as for Mats Sundin, well, we'll just leave that one alone. But my guarantees seem to be getting a good start.

And so 2009 starts. It has a lot to live up to. 2007 and 2008 were banner years for me, and my plans are to continue to ride my wave of momentum and contentment.

There is one thing to get out of the way, but it is early in the year and I would prefer to get rid of it sooner than later. Don't get me wrong, I have a most positive outlook, and all of the rules and learning's I found in the deserts of Southern California almost two years ago still ring true today. They are life rules and they are here to stay. I have even shaken loose of my belief of what I call "Christmas Tree Love." It's funny, but that was always how I've looked at myself. I would come into someones life, and for a period I would be the most important thing in the room. People would get a glow in their face and a smile in their eyes as they gazed upon me. Words didn't have to be spoken, it was just a warmth I supplied. Even people deep in conversation, would pause to gaze at me several times a minute. Then....within a matters of weeks, I would find myself slowly dying by the curb. Forgotten, and while still a memory, just a memory blended with all the trees that came before me. I was good, but I was never enough to keep around. No Christmas tree ever is.

I know now that for the most part I have put myself on the curb. It could be for many reasons. Maybe I didn't like where I was at. Maybe I didn't like how I was perceived. Haha, maybe I didn't like the ornaments they made me wear. Regardless, I ended up on the curb. It was a different time then, my arms are far more open now.

So anyhow, there has been something I have been sweeping under the rug for a long time. It is now so large it could be mistaken for a coffee table. I've tried beating it with a broom a few times, but it just won't go away. It seeks confrontation, it doesn't want to be under there any longer. I used to be wary of facing it, but I'm not anymore. I want it gone. And I know now that I am not alone, and more importantly I don't stand alone. For those three rules I brought out from the desert have made me closer to a lot of people, and those people are my strength.

I have cast the unneeded from my life, in part that is what is under the rug. More importantly, I know now for the most part who cares about me, and who I care about. And we can lean on each other, and take care of one another, and always stand out in the room. That is what good Christmas tree's do.

Sorry for the rant. Back to regular writing on the weekend.

The 2nd Annual Go to Hell List

So it took a little while, but the list is finally done. It seemed to be one of those years where everyone wanted on the list. I had to start with a list of around 50 and whittle it down to the final 10. I didn't even get to include anyone I know personally this year (that doesn't mean you weren't in the 5o ;-) ).



It's subjective as always, how could it not be. But I think the list truly reflects those I wish would go to hell this year. Hopefully they can keep up with the class of 2008. So here in no particular order (it doesn't really matter does it) the 2009 Go to Hell List.





1. Osama Bin Laden- I won't even do him the justice of showing his own picture, just that of the only follower he has left. The world is gripped in economic terror bud. Nobody cares about you anymore. You are just a murderer and a coward. The best part is, it's all part of the card game. I'm putting out a "Things Best Left Unsaid" guarantee that you will be captured or killed in the first year of Obama's administration. That's how it works pal (remember the Iranian hostages that made Ronald Reagan a hero) you're going down like a Led Zeppelin. Watermelons are too good for you. I'm thinking pumpkins...sideways...stem on.





2. Eliot Spitzer- Former Governor and Attorney General of the State of New York. Look at this two faced little bastard. He took the political stage with a holier than thou platform promising to continue the battle of crime, especially ethical crime in the State of New York. He was busted in March of 2008 for being part of prostitution ring, even using campaign money for hotel rooms. Prostitution being one of the battles of his platform of course. It wasn't a one shot deal. Federal investigators figured he'd spent more than $80,000 in the previous couple of years. Now you look at his face, and you could understand why he would have to pay for it, but still, dude!! Then displaying what a farce of a man he is, he marches his wife up for his resignation speech so she too can be humiliated in public. Classy dude! Go to hell!




3. Alan Greenspan- There has been a lot of finger pointing going on the last 6 months or so. The world economy lies in ruin, and someone must be accountable. I could have filled this list with them. The board at Lehmann Brothers, Bear Stearns, AIG, the automotive big three. It's endless. But as I said the other day, all rivers run from a source. And if the source was the oval office, the water running through mountain gorges to fill the source was undoubtedly Alan Greenspan. In one of the greatest acts of ineptitude he has us all mesmerized by his game of three card monty, making us believe he was the economic genius that he claimed. In the end it turned out he never knew what he was talking about and swept it all under the rug where someday the maid would find it unleashing its horrors on the world. When you think of the lives he has ruined, the people that have taken this back to their families, the broken marriges, the suicides. Maybe it is time to bring public stonings to North America (never). I am thankful to see corporate greed finally come into the public domain, but I think it is too high a price. I think the Che picture is very appropriate, it could very well be Alan Greenspan that turned the United States into a socialist state. Go to hell buddy!!



4. James Frey- The goofball writer of "A Million Little Pieces", the sham of a book he passed off as his autobiography. While I know the incident was a couple of years ago, some moron publisher decided he was worth a seven figure deal to write three more books. All the first book showed was that he should have been on crack as he claimed he was. The world doesn't need charlatans, and Mr. Frey, we don't need you. Go to hell!!



5. Robert Mugabe- The President of Zimbabwe. That should really read dictator, but it is after all supposed to a democratic state. He lost the election in March of 2008, but instead of conceding he announced that the vote was unfair and demanded another election. In the meantime he raped and murdered as many people from the voters list that voted against him. It is said that during the next election, some voters literally had guns pointed at them while they voted. At the same time, the country was in an economic collapse, they actually had to print billion dollar bills. Do you know what a billion dollars buys you in Zimbabwe? Why a loft of bread of course. Meanwhile, 1 in 5 children live past the age of 5. What a creep, go to hell.



6- That dude that took my parking spot on Christmas Eve. Man, you are just not right. It is Christmas Eve, I've been driving looking for a parking spot for 20 minutes. I find an elderly lady just getting to her car, put my signal on, get out of the car for 5 minutes to help her load the car, go back to my car and see you drive in from nowhere and take the spot. I literally saw you drive in on the far side of the lot and you insisted you had been waiting just behind me. You then informed my it was my fucking problem. If it was any day other than Christmas Eve, you would have been lying in a bloody pulp in the snowbank beside MY parking spot. Go to hell!!



7. Mats Sundin- This one might be a little controversial, but I just don't like how this guy works. And I know he's not in the picture, it just represents the leadership he provided to the Leafs all of those years they didn't make the playoffs. I'm a purist when it comes to sports. It's like my football pool. I would never make a deal, stand by your picks, that's what it's all about. The Canucks gave him a more than fair offer before the season, personally a little pricey as far as I'm concerned for someone his age. He had to sit back and wait and see where teams were positioned before agreeing to terms. That's not talent, it's personal greed. We know this free agent crap with senior players seeking glory never works. The only time it ever did was when Ray Bourque was forced to go from the Bruins to the Avalanche, and good for him. As for you Mats, go to hell. I'm going to add one more "guarantee" here, he is either injured or not a factor.

8. Sarah Palin- I'm not even going to spend a lot of time on this. I am astounded, absolutely astounded that someone like this can end up in office, any type of office!! If George W. has a long lost sister, they have found her. What a piece of work. You know what the difference is between Sarah and the bear rug? The bear rug has credibility. Don't even think about running in 2012 Sarah. Go to hell!!

9. Billy Mays- I HATE PEOPLE THAT SHILL PRODUCTS ON TV, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE YELLING ALL THE TIME!! AND I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU BILLY, ALL OF YOUR PRODUCTS SUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!! YOU BELONG UNDER A TENT AT THE PNE. GO TO HELL!!

10. Ottis Toole- And last, but not least, this charmer. Most of you are probably going Ottis who?? Let me tell you something about Ottis. Ottis is the guy that has ensured that children will never be able to grow up like I did. They will never have freedom to wander and discover and explore. They won't be able to lie in a mustard field and daydream, because of this monster. You don't have to worry about Ottis himself anymore, he died of AIDS and cirrhosis some 12 years ago. It's his legacy you have to worry about. In December of 2008 the case of the murder of young Adam Walsh was closed. Adam, son of America's Most Wanted host John Walsh was murdered when he was 6 years old. He had lost his mother in a Sears store and wasn't seen again until they found his decapitated head two weeks later. Ottis admitted to the crime. They even had his car with a blood stained carpet in the back. But they lost it. Somehow they misplaced an entire car. For whatever reason, even with his testimony and specific knowledge of the crime, he was never charged in Adam's death. He died in prison on unrelated charges. The death of Adam was the end of innocence in North America. Even people in small towns now locked their doors. Before you knew it, children that at one point roamed free were not allowed to go outside of a three foot radius in public. Some people even put leashes or harnesses on their kids. Kids couldn't even walk to school anymore. And it's something we will never get back. Fry in hell you bastard!!

There we go, that's it, that's all.

The 2nd Annual Go to Hell List Preview

I figured the best way to start this years list was to look back and see what has happened to the losers from last years list in the past year. This serves two purposes. First, to show the staggering accuracy of the list, and secondly because I've been too busy to finalize this years list (there's still time, you can make it on if you really want to.)

So on that note...let's go back to the future and see what those crazy kids have been up to.

1. Ryan Seacrest- Continues to battle rumors of his sexuality. To help take his mind off things he produces TV shows such as Momma's Boy, and Denise Richards: It's Complicated. To quote one TV critics take on his endeavors..."Denise Richards' life is one stinking pile of pig poop...literally." Good work Ryan. Shine on you crazy diamond. You're already in hell and you didn't even know it.

2. Michael Vick- Michael filed for bankruptcy a few months ago. It would seem his 20 million dollars in debt can't be supported by the dollar a day he makes in prison. He is about to enter a halfway house, and somehow believes he will be reinstated by the NFL by August. At that point he will surely be signed by the Oakland Raiders. Playing for Al Davis IS hell on Earth, so I'm okay with that. Personally, I think somewhere out there is a bullet with Michael's name on it.

3. That Lilydale Turkey Guy- Within weeks of last years list his ads were pulled (I'm not taking credit, I'm just glad.) I was hoping they were pulled for charges against him related to public misconduct with a turkey, but alas, it just turned out viewers didn't like pompous french people. Career is over Turkey Man, auf wiedersehen.

4. Barry Bonds- Barry was not even offered a contract for 2008, and has still not been offered one for 2009. He is on the threshold of many more MLB records and it would appear no one is interested in helping him get there. He does have one thing to look forward to though, he is going on trial for obstruction of justice in March of this year.

5. Anonymous- You're not even a factor anymore. Well done. Don't let the door hit you on the ass.

6. Bill Belichick- After losing to the Giants in the 2008 Super Bowl. The Patriots started their next season by losing Tom Brady in their first game. They did end up going 11-5, but lost the division to Miami. For the record Bill is still ugly and his mother still dresses him funny.

7. Axel- Axel was fired a week before Christmas. One quick piece of advice for everyone. Be careful who you step on when you are on your way up, it just may come back to haunt you. If I had a tail right now, I would be wagging it.

8. Seung-Hui Cho- While the people at Virginia Tech have been healing. Seung Hui has been in hell getting a watermelon up his ass daily at 1pm.

9. YVR, Canadian Border Services, and the RCMP- While the Dziekanski case drags on, one of the RCMP officers involved wanted to guarantee his seat in hell by drinking and driving and killing an innocent young man. Cpl. Benjamin Robinson killed Orion Hutchinson October 25th. Get ready Benji, the watermelons are waiting!!

10. George W. Bush- What can I say? George's legacy has spilled more ink than the Valdez spilled oil. The U.S. economy lies in ruin. Hell, the world economy lies in ruin. And all rivers run from a source, in this case the oval office. Way to go Georgy Boy, we knew you had it in you!! Only 16 days to go my man, personally I think you still have one colossal fuck up in you, lets see what you can do in those 16 days. I will end this one on a high note though, I believe we have one of the strongest leaders in modern times stepping in. I'm intrigued by the possibilities.

So there you have it. The class of 2008 definately kept up their end of the deal. 2009 coming up.

Oh What a Night!! Late December Back in '63 (Actually, it Was Last Night)

The Ayatollah of Rock n' Rolla.

The birthday boy getting ready to boogie!












The Sultan of Brunei discussing matters of the heart with Steph. Listen up men, the secret is LAND HOLDINGS.











If anyone can tell me what is actually going on in these videos it would be appreciated. I did laugh like I did in New York though, and there is nothing the matter with that.



So it was Dan's 50th and New Years all in one night. I'm not really a New Years person, but the D-man's b-day is worth celebrating. Besides, it's always nice to have an excuse to dress up a little. Everyone looked like a million.

It started snowing again and that pretty much ended the celebration a little prematurely for me, but in hindsight that was probably for the best. I'm sure I'm feeling a little better than most of them.

Anyhow, despite the negative cloud that was roaming around the room, it was nice to bring in the New Year with people you dig. Hopefully we can explore that further in 2009. Say four o'clock this afternoon? Cosmos for all my friends!! Danny Boy, you in??