Paradise Lost, Paradise Regained

Oy vey, my head hurts.

Oops, I Did it Again

"I see it all perfectly; there are two possible situations - one can either do this or that. My honest opinion and my friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it - you will regret both."

-Soren Kierkegaard

Do you ever get yourself in one of those situations that you just don't know how to get out of? I seem to all the time, but always with the best intentions. Exactly 50% of me says run, while the other half or course says stay. Sleepless nights abound.

The funny thing (not so funny) is this time I'm on the other side of the table. The master manipulator is being manipulated. The sad thing (really sad) is that I know every slight nuance of body language and the words before they even leave the lips. I may not have written the book, but I sure as hell taught the course.

I find myself in an impossible hurtful situation that not only is casting the greatest cloud of self doubt on myself, but also reminding me of what I have done to others in the past. Unfortunately, when I can't sleep I can't think. My mind races and the solution gets lost in the problem itself.

What to do? What to do?

Gimme Shelter

Wow, I've been lazy. I can't say how many times I've looked over at my computer the last 10 days contemplating a post. No deal. Just too much on my mind.

I would have posted a video or something, but You Tube has decided to be a little bitch. I do want to add a link though (if I'm actually able to do that). This is a little clip that Steph posted the other day of Tom Brokaw describing the relationship between Canada and the U.S.. Interesting little piece. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYoTJItSPt0

I was downtown on Friday having lunch at the Lennox with the boys. I must say the energy was electric. We had something like this back during Expo 86, but I think the compression of time (Expo was about 6 months long) just adds to the experience. One of my favorite things was when we left the Lennox and walked down Granville a ways. When we returned there was a group of say 6 Americans sitting on the patio of the Lennox who started chanting "USA USA USA!!". Much to their shock about 20,000 people started singing "Oh Canada" until one of them finally relented and took off his shirt to wave as a white flag. Everyone including them got a good laugh out of it.

I must say it was just chaos though. As I've said to a few people, Canadians just don't know how to be in crowds. We are used to having 1000 square kilometers for each citizen. So when you suddenly drop 150,000 people in a 4 block area, it's just "excuse me, pardon me, sorry about that" and what not. Definitely not the well oiled machine that is New York.

Now to just win some hockey games.

Before and After

I have these completely backwards. I don't know how to edit the damn thing so you just have to start with the bottom one and move your way up. I've been totally down on this Olympic thing. Number one it has left my business dead in the water, and secondly I thought it was going to make a nightmare of my meeting schedule. In all honesty though, it really hasn't been that bad.

The torch went by almost by my house yesterday and I was lucky enough to go up and see it. It was only a couple of blocks away, and what I really liked was that out of all the travels it has made, this was probably one of the more remote locations. I could not believe the people pouring out of the woodwork. I Being a complete dumbass, I really thought I would be standing there myself. As you can see, that is not the way it turned out.

And I must say, it is always nice when you can get some patriotism out of Canadians.

Get Back Honky Cat

After a long morning of brunch and cleaning out the car (my new one should be here soon), it's time to kick back. I've just been loading up on iTunes lately getting ready for my lazy summer beach days and long drives in the new Spyder.

I normally only load up on music when I'm burning disc's for Miley, and I guess it's just been so long my collection is getting a little stale no matter how big it is. I picked up some huge compilations. The Doors, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and the great Elton John.

Did you know that ITunes censors the names of songs? You can't buy Honky Cat, but you can buy H@#$@ Cat. Is that crazy or what? They turn '70's slang into swear words. What a bunch of jive turkeys. I think they should keep on truckin'. DY-NO-MITE!!

Anyhow, I have a lot of catch up work from this week. Open the spreadsheet and set my iTunes to stun.

Sticks and Stones Will Break our Bones, but Words Will Break our Hearts

People are trying to take something away from me. It's not even anything tangible. You can't buy it, you can't sell it. You can't misplace it, you can however lose it. And it is something I need so much right now, it is something I have needed for a long time.

I can't even tell you what the last week has been like. I actually get sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Frustration is pouring from my skin like the sweat you get in Miami about 15 minutes before the afternoon rain. I guess there are some things I am just not capable of doing myself. And this is all over and above what "those people" are trying to take away from me.

To some extent it is my fault for creating these "perfect world's" that I somehow always come to believe can exist. Those places I went to hide in my youth. I suppose it's like that friend said to me back in the summer "nobody can live up to your expectations." And even more so, I think there are people out there with this deep seated belief that under no circumstances should I be allowed to be happy. They cling like peanut butter to bread on any word or situation they can use to deflate any momentary glimpse of light I may see. It is so wrong.

Yes, I can be a nasty person, but only as a defensive measure. Nobody has my back, so like a Porcupine with it's quills, or a Viper with it's venom I will strike, but only if provoked. I don't know why people need to talk of me, but I do know that it will never stop. But I can tell you, after the day, week, month, year, I've had, I am not one that you want to corner. They might not be able to buy what they are trying to take, but they will sure pay a price if they do.

Man, that feels better already.

I Think We're Alone Now

I know I have always ranted away on this blog how I always have to do everything alone, and that I'm lonely sometimes and blah, blah, blah. This week, I was blessed to be able to put that into perspective.

Last weekend, I started getting a pain in my back. Now believe me, I'm used to pain in my back, problem brushed aside. The next day it started to spread into my legs. I get the odd case of sciatica due to my back, problem brushed aside. By Tuesday I had a pain in my backside that I had not had before, a very nasty, very acute pain. However, I tend not to look after myself. Problem brushed aside.

By Wednesday it was becoming very painful to even move, and even getting into my car was a Herculean effort. Not only that, something was growing back there. Still, I just chalked it up to a man getting old thing and put it off. Thursday I had a meeting in the morning that during which, I almost passed out on several occasions from the pain. I finally left and went to a local clinic.

You can always tell by a doctor's first reaction what's going on, and Yikes!! isn't a good one. I won't go into the gory details, but imagine something that is like a step below flesh eating disease about the size of a tennis ball right where the sun don't shine. He wanted me on medication right away (but as always in my case nothing for the pain, pointless anyhow because I never take it), and lined me up for surgery on Saturday morning.

Thursday night was hell. And I knew first thing in the morning it was hospital or bust. I can take pain like no one and I had tears just streaming down my face (like I had just watched Love Actually ;) I somehow got myself in my car and went.

I always have this horrible guilt when I go to emergency. It's not like I go often, maybe every 8 years or so, but I just don't feel I belong there. I stood around patiently, and even asked for a few people to go before me. They really didn't know what my problem was through triage. They finally got me through to a bed and after waiting about an hour for the doctor, full on code red.

The damn thing was about the size of a banana now. He was like my boy, you are heading for surgery now!!

I really hadn't planned any of this out. My car was in two hour parking, and this was full bore. They were knocking me out for undetermined amount of time and the whole thing. They were pumping me full of drugs at the time that I wasn't really aware of and everything was just chaos. Blood tests, filling out forms, and on and on. They kept saying "where is your spouse? Where is your family? Do you have any friends you can call?" My mind was just swirling.

They were getting me hooked up for the knock out drugs (I was still making business calls. I know, stupid) and they said you have 5 minutes to ditch that phone, get somebody here!! I tried a handful of people and either couldn't get through or they were busy. I thought my mother was in Mexico, but I decided I would throw one hail mary and left her a message.

They grabbed my phone and asked me to lay down. The last thing I remember before they put me out was thinking to myself "My God, I'm alone." and that was it, lights out. I hadn't been knocked out for surgery in 30 years and could not remember whatsoever what it was like. But I can't describe the fear I felt when I came to. I was just in this deeply drug induced state of loneliness. It was probably one of the worst scenario's of my life waiting to for those drugs to wear off.

They never really wore off until later last night. But at one point, the fog finally cleared and standing in the doorway of my room was my mother. For whatever devine reason she had decided to change days for the trip. I really, really, don't know what I would have done without her. I was just lost, and so incredibly emotionally unstable. Her boyfriend had driven my car home (no ticket amazingly enough after 9 hours.) She took care of everything I needed, everything I wasn't capable of.

I still feel bad because she has been under so much pressure lately as it is, and I know this will ruin her trip (she literally just called me 2 minutes ago saying she should cancel). Besides the fact she has already spent far too many times with me in the emergency room. Whether it be snakes bites, turtle bites, crashed go-Karts, or barroom brawls, she has always shown up and God bless her for it. There is no way in hell I am letting her cancel this trip, and I'm pretty certain I will be sending her on another to make up for it.

As for me, I have a long road ahead. I have to be in the hospital every day until at least Tuesday getting IV's and heart monitoring (apparently the infection messed up my heart rate), and of course to get the hole in my backside packed. It won't be small enough to stitch for at least a couple of weeks. And most likely I will have to have surgery again by the end of the month.

In hindsight what I learned lying in that bed yesterday and today, is that no matter what I endure, there is always a harder story. Probably right across from me behind those medical curtains. And maybe, just maybe, I'm not as alone as I thought.

For Bruce

I'm sure after my last post people have had their fill of death. Too bad, I'm throwing another one at you and then hopefully I can put all of this behind me.

There were these family friends we had in Calgary. The Leitl's. A most incredible family. Never in my entire life have a seen a family so bonded, so incredibly happy to be in each other's company. And with the ability to spread joy to others. There were the parents, Karl and Sally, and their children Bruce, Steven, Jeffrey, and Susan. They played music together, they sang together, they did everything together. They were the family Von Trapp. They made the Walton's look like a biker gang.

Karl was Austrian and had the most amazing accent and twinkle in his eyes. He was one of those people that just made you feel better by just being in the same room as you. He was an executive at Dome Petroleum, Jack Gallagher's dynamo of an oil company in the '70's and '80's. I never understood how Karl worked, because he was simply too much of a nice person. I couldn't even imagine doing business that way. Who the hell would listen to you? But he demanded that attention. He was very much Captain Von Trapp. You know, the good one, after he falls in love with Julie Andrews. Just an amazing demeanor.

We used to spend a lot of holidays and vacations with them, even Christmas one year. It was always so bizarre to me that he we were, a world record setting family of dysfunction, and our friends were these wonderful flawlees people. I was like a loaded spring around them. I was under so must pressure to burst into dysfunction I could have made diamonds in my armpits. The only thing stopping me was my father's shaking fist looming over the front seat of the car as we pulled into the driveway. If only they had an Oscar for Best Performance by a Threatened Youth.

I can't go on enough how wonderful these people are. And I wish I got to see them more over the years since I leave Calgary. I know you are thinking that it was Karl that passed away, but it wasn't. Their son Bruce was out here on a business trip about 2 weeks ago. Bruce was strong as an ox and fit as a fiddle, but not his heart. He went to his business meeting here where he collapsed of a massive heart attack and died. My heart just bleeds for Karl and Sally and the rest of the family. He also left behind his wife and young daughter. It's not often in life that something happens like this and you say to yourself "it should have been me instead." But this is one of those moments.

Being a tight knit musical family, they used to sing after dinner. Karl being Austrian, I would often ask them to sing Edelweiss. Not only is it the most beautiful National Anthem ever written. It is one of the most beautiful song's ever written period. I would expect no less from the family Von Trapp.

Strange Days Indeed (Most Peculiar Momma)

(Sound of knuckles cracking)...

Back to it. Due to various reasons I needed a hiatus. Things have just been well, weird since Christmas. I had planned to hit the ground running in 2010, instead I find myself running away. I already find myself in the "highs and lows, yes and no's, she loves me she loves me not's" that have come to define my life.

As I mentioned in a previous post, my Christmas was a solitary effort. I still maintain it was what I needed, but it still took me to that dark place that I really don't like to go to. I'm afraid the dark place is becoming more and more of a security blanket rather than a place to be avoided.

All things considered I was already in a foul mood. On Boxing Day my Aunt Judy passed away. It had been expected, but also a cruelly long painful ending. I always loved my Aunt Judy. She really is just a memory from my childhood as her and Marshall divorced when I was about 9. As was common in those days, she was ostracized from the family. I always felt bad for my cousins Andy and Elly when they had to come to family outings without their mother, she was a very loving woman and was very good to them. And they were good to her. Andy had been looking after her since her illness started until the day she died.

Judy was one of those classic beauties of the '70's. Long flowing blond hair, crazy bug-eyed sunglasses, and seemingly always sporting a bikini while accessorizing with a cigarette and a Dubonnet on the rocks. I just adored her. (Have you ever noticed that when you were a kid, all of your favorite relatives were the drinkers?) On top of that, my father just dispised all of my relatives from my mom's side of the family so that just endeared them more to me.

The plus out of all of this is I was able to find Andy again. We were really close when we were kids, even though Andy is about 8 years older than me. He knew I was a bit of an outcast and he always looked after me. We've lost touch a few times over the years. He moved out here in the late '80's, but it took me forever to find him. The funny thing was I moved from Commercial Drive back to the North Shore, that is when I got a phone call from him. He gave me his address and told me to get my ass over there and have some beers. I grabbed my smokes and keys and went to the car not even really paying attention to the address. I got to his house only to find he lived behind the house I lived in on Commercial Drive....FOR FIVE YEARS!!! I could literally have gone out on my back deck and yelled Hey Andy!! and he would have heard me. Absolutely bizarre. We must have laughed about it for 2 hours.

We spent that entire summer together. And that was the last time I got to see Judy. We went out to the Rose and Thorn for drinks and dinner one night. It was great to see her, and we had a lot of laughs. Mostly at my father's expense.

Andy's long term relationship came to a sudden end early the next year. He was also concerned about his mom's health. He decided to pack up and go back to Ontario. He called me as soon as he got there to give me his new number and what not. But typical for me at that time, I wrote the info down on a case of beer, then drank the beer and forgot all about it. Right after Christmas is the first I've talked to him in about 11 years. It was like nothing ever changed and that's what I like about Andy, everything is simple. He's coming out this summer so we can hit the road for a few days and I know I'll love every minute of it.

A few days after New Year's I was walking through Edgemont Village taking in the sights and sounds. I walked past a missing person poster on a lamp post. I really paid no attention and kept on walking until I found myself stopping in my steps about 10 feet past. I walked back to the lamp post and read. The poster was for Mike Wild, an old high school buddy of mine. He had called me a few days before Christmas but I really didn't pay any mind to it, I'll get to that in a minute. Mike was the dude in high school. Just one crazy assed fucker. He had it all. Quarterback of the football team. All-american looks, Christ, he could have been a Kennedy. We lost touch for a couple years after high school, but I heard he was doing well. I ran into him at a house party a few weeks after Miley was born. I wasn't in the best shape myself at this time, but Mike was fucked. I can't even imagine the drugs he had going through his system. He wasn't making any sense at all. He just kept going on about the old times and this and that like we were still in high school. He stuck to me like glue after that for a few months. I was really in my own world, I didn't give a rat's ass about anyone or anything at that point in my life including myself. I put up with him and just listened to his shit and let him do his stuff.

It was soon after that I faded away for awhile. (Nice way of saying I was living on the streets.) I didn't see Mike for about 2 years after that. The next time I did see him, I had cleaned up my act and was walking tall once again. He was gone. There are some people where you can just see it in their eyes. They've lost it. I was fairly certain he wasn't on drugs anymore, but it didn't matter, it was already too late. I would hope that anyone that uses drugs reads this closely.

He started showing up every now and then. It appeared he was getting into something again. And that something was coke. If there is one thing you don't want in your life it's a fucking coke head. You can't trust them worth spit. And this was during the time I was spiralling into my own introversion. I just read him the riot act. I literally grabbed his face in my hands and told him to get the fuck out of my life. I told him to get help, and I told him to get straight.

I never saw Mike again after that. He would call the odd time, but most of the calls would go ignored. It's like Jack Nicholson said in that movie "Go sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up round here". I never heard what the message was before Christmas. I never use our land line and I don't have a clue how to work the machine. I accidentally erased the message when I went to retrieve it.

A few days after I saw the poster there was a report on the news. Apparently, on New Year's day, someone was driving behind a car on Lion's Gate Bridge. The car came to a sudden stop at center span. The driver calmly got out, walked to the railing, and threw himself over the side. It was Mike. The body has not been found. Wherever you are Mike, I hope you found your peace.

I was deathly ill during this entire period. And work was crazy enough as it was. The company fired my long time business partner that same week and everything has just been upside down. I've been on a complete emotional rollercoster for the last month anyhow so bring it on. There's monsters that live amongst us, and they definitely have been showing themselves lately.

I was talking to my friend Tonia in Calgary the other day. For whatever reason I just started reminiscing about the town. Those were after all my formative years. On hot summer nights Todd and I used to meet out in the middle of the lake on our surfboards. It was always so blissfully quiet. All you could hear was the water gently licking the bottom of the board. We would lie on our backs and float across the surface staring up at the universe in complete awe. We would talk quietly about the future, and about girls, and about all the silly things teenage boys talk about. And you know there is nothing I would rather do right now.

Oops. I Probably Should Have Posted this Too

Love Actually

I've been far too sick to write lately. Too bad because I've had a lot to say. I guess I will get to that later.

I had to have a home night on Saturday. I was just dying. And I'm feeling 5 times worse now. I made a nice dinner and crawled into bed. I found that "Love Actually" was on. I had only seen it once, a friend turned me onto it about 3 years ago.

The first time I saw was full of interuptions, but I still liked the film. It was made by Working Title Fims, a production company that used to be under the wing of Polygram Filmed Entertainment (the subject of 100 Films and a Funeral, one of my favorite documentaries), the list of films this company has done is incredible.

I don't know what it really was, whether it was the time of year and I had so much built up inside of me, or old memories or what but the film just wrapped me like a glove. I just lost it for at least the last 45 minutes. But I guess that is what I needed.

I'm buying it period, part of my renowned collection. Try to see it, you won't be disappointed.